It’s Wednesday morning and guess what I am doing? I am at home waiting for something to be done about my car. yes that’s right I got in my car to drive to work and it will not start. I would say I have not had a good month. of course it could be worse i am thankful it stopped working at home and not somewhere else. i might just have to take the morning off work and just have someone come pick me up at lunch, not sure though. ok i don’t really feel like writing any more i will write latter:)
I pulled it off I said good morning…lol ok now I want to talk about wal mart.So last night I went to walmart and at the check out the girl asks me if i work at a dentist or dr office. so i tell her dr and she asks me how much i get paid i tell her and guess what? she makes exactly the same. now ok fine people are more pleasant being sick than buying things so ok whatever but i had to go to school!!! i have school loans.so basically i pay 140 dollars a month towards loans and this girl had no schooling what so ever……um not fair. ok this is short but I gotta go but is that just not sucky?
I have the most terrible stomach pain right now. I remember when I was about 15 I was told I had cysts on my ovaries and also that I would never be able to have any childrenn..blah blah blah anyways the point is i found out because i was having pain so often i finally went to the dr and they did tests on me and that was the results. well here it is 13 years later and it feels the same maybe one of those stupid things burst or something. all i know is no one has any motrin here and now my back is starting to hurt bad too. this sucks. so besides that i have had an afternoon of hairy chests, cholostomy bags, and random smells, and big boxes…..sigh
I have learned that no matter my mood or no matter how i feel it really will never make anyone happy. here is a great example. in the mornings i don’t say good morning to anyone i mean anyone not even my husband i am just not a morning person i never have been while anyways a certain person threw a fit because for a long time i have not said good morning to him. he even set up a test for me and said nothing to me for a week ok i didnt notice or cared but he had his assistant come tell me he was upset that i never say good morning to him. ok grow up really it’s not like im rude i say hi sometimes. anyways dumb huh? also i have been asked hey why dont you sing or laugh all the time anymore? ok well for one when i was always happy it annoyed everyone and i got tired of people making fun of my singing so i stoped…years ago. so now all of a sudden its noticeable? come on now just another excuse to make me feel like crap and hey anyone ever hear of a compliment? you know i really would like to hear one once in a while. when i do something wrong the world ends but what about all the times i do something right? someone telling me im appreciated would be great.i really want a long break from everything. and unfortunately thats not until thanksgiving and im only happy because it means time off….it should be about family but i just want to be away from people, nothing makes since.
many many years ago i was in a relationship that scared me quite bad. the world was revolved around him and dont you dare get in his way. im not sure what i was doing in his life all i know is it was 2 years of straight up hell. he would have these mood swings and throw things around,beat our dog wish of course i would push him away and try to get him to leave her alone. constantly verbally abused me which is even worse than being beat, he sold drugs and got me addicted by the end of the relationship i was vomiting blood. did he care? no when i tried to leave he threatened to kill me, i was so scared and i attempted to kill myself, luckily a friend saw me run into the bathroom with a knife and busted the door down if he had been a minute later i would of slit my wrists. i am still occasionally haunted by the words and actions of this boy. shortly after this relationship i was with someone else who was so jealous i had to cut off all friends and family because he wanted me too. man i look back at how stupid i was. so anyways this guy was also verbally mean to me and crazy. he ended up cheating on me with the neighbor and getting her pregnant. so he left and i had no one. i had become so secluded and alone i didnt know wat to do or how to act. but basically a friend came back into my life and i got saved…or rededicated my life to god i was raised in the church after all and had always known of god. well anyways my life changed and god did so many things for me…that alone will have to be a separate blog. well lets fast forward that was all about 8-10 years ago and know i am married to a man who is normally a nice guy. well i say normally because he is changing he is now constantly depressed and i have no idea what to do. there are some things he does that remind me of the past. obviously not as severe its mostly just the temper tantrums and sometimes the look on his face is way too familiar. now he has never said anything mean or thrown anything at me it’s no where anything like that. i am actually just writing to get this off my chest my heart hurts because i have been through this before and i really dont want to see anything bad happen to him or us. my heart can only handle so much, well whats left of my heart anyways.ok i should stop writing. i guess i just dont want to stop then i will be forced to sit here and think, my heart is already beating fast and there are tears in my eyes…man what do i do? ps i dont really care about all the errors im not going to fix them right now
I am craving chicken quesodias. I have been sick and not eating much but man just something about cheese and a tortilla that just sounds perfect. So I am going to the store and buying stuff for my famous queso:0
why is it that everything is handed to me to do? why can’t people carry their own load? and why is it the harder I work and the less others work the less I am paid and the more they are paid? and why is it everyone around me is so negative? I use to be a positive person…maybe life just changes you, and makes you into something you wish you weren’t.I’m just so tired, I can’t be expected to hold everything together for everyone else when I can’t even hold myself together anymore.What am I suppose to do? I miss my jesus which equals my peace,joy,and happiness.
I have not been writing much even though I seem to have so much to say. Today I just have to vent there are so many issues wrong with me right now. Today really started out sad I went to myspace to check messages and saw that one of my myspace friends posted pictures of a baby dedication it just so happened to be of my best friends baby. why was I not told about it? I have been waiting for the baby dedication since she was born it really should’nt of hurt my feelings but it did.I actually cried this morning. and also now that she has moved I just dont know when I will see her again anyways, its hard to think that I could feel so far away from someone I have been so close to for 13 years. I am probably over reacting I guess I do feel a little left out too I mean after all she has more things going right in her life than I do. but everyone if different and everyone’s needs are different. I guess what I have is all I need right? at least I have a great husband who cares about me. but I do feel lonely I used to have a lot of friends but time goes on and I barely hear from any of them they all have there own lives and family’s to worry about. another issue is having children the more I think about it the more I dont want to and you want to know one of the main reasons having a child is scary? not only would they have to live in this terrible world but I could never be a great mom, how could I ever give a child everything they need and how could I protect them from this place called earth? I am trying my best to be a good wife, worker,friend and how could I possibly add mom to that? well anyways it’s not that I hate life im just sad that something happened to me long ago that changed me, and I dont know if it was for the better, how did I become so un trusting? why can I not let people into my heart? why can’t I be the friendly loving person I once was?oh well tomorrow is another day things always get better over time.