past mistakes

many many years ago i was in a relationship that scared me quite bad. the world was revolved around him and dont you dare get in his way. im not sure what i was doing in his life all i know is it was 2 years of straight up hell. he would have these mood swings and throw things around,beat our dog wish of course i would push him away and try to get him to leave her alone. constantly verbally abused me which is even worse than being beat, he sold drugs and got me addicted by the end of the relationship i was vomiting blood. did he care? no when i tried to leave he threatened to kill me, i was so scared and i attempted to kill myself, luckily a friend saw me run into the bathroom with a knife and busted the door down if he had been a minute later i would of slit my wrists. i am still occasionally haunted by the words and actions of this boy. shortly after this relationship i was with someone else who was so jealous i had to cut off all friends and family because he wanted me too. man i look back at how stupid i was. so anyways this guy was also verbally mean to me and crazy. he ended up cheating on me with the neighbor and getting her pregnant. so he left and i had no one. i had become so secluded and alone i didnt know wat to do or how to act. but basically a friend came back into my life and i got saved…or rededicated my life to god i was raised in the church after all and had always known of god. well anyways my life changed and god did so many things for me…that alone will have to be a separate blog. well lets fast forward that was all about 8-10 years ago and know i am married to a man who is normally a nice guy. well i say normally because he is changing he is now constantly depressed and i have no idea what to do. there are some things he does that remind me of the past. obviously not as severe its mostly just the temper tantrums and sometimes the look on his face is way too familiar. now he has never said anything mean or thrown anything at me it’s no where anything like that. i am actually just writing to get this off my chest my heart hurts because i have been through this before and i really dont want to see anything bad happen to him or us. my heart can only handle so much, well whats left of my heart anyways.ok i should stop writing. i guess i just dont want to stop then i will be forced to sit here and think, my heart is already beating fast and there are tears in my eyes…man what do i do? ps i dont really care about all the errors im not going to fix them right now

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3 thoughts on “past mistakes

  1. Hi Lisa 🙂
    When I read your post it was like reading the life of my best friend. I had nearly lost her at twice; 4 years ago she was saved by my sister (I told to my sister to take care about her). Then last year, I went directly at her home to stop her boyfriend to beat her again. It was so horrible to see my best friend suffering like that. She didn’t deserve it! you either! You have a generous and good heart. You have this strenght inside you to keep up a good positive mood, even if sometimes it’s hard. Creating this blog is a good way to express freedly your feelings. Sometimes it’s difficult to find someone who can listen you. My heart is tore in thousand pieces when I read you.
    2 weeks ago, my mom let me know that before I was born, she rejected me and wanted to abort me cause she lost our old brother at birth. When I was born all my family rejected me too cause I was a girl (I was born into a real traditional chinese family who doesn’t accept girl as first born). Now I fully understand why I was rejected and not loved by all my family. Feeling alone was like never existing. I am happy that you found someone who loves you as you are. And you are so wonderful cause you want to bring your husband happy despite of his depressed mood. You deserve so much joy and happiness 🙂 Your heart is full of goodness. Let your heart talls you what to do 🙂
    I wish you to be happy and I keep a smile for you 🙂
    Glenda

    • thank you so much for the encouragment. you too are a amazing woman and keep your head up things will be better and stay supportive of your friends at all time, you never know who you are helping:) thanks again for the comment.

      ((hugs))

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