escape

So just a few random updates on my life. The newest medication I am on seems to be helping I still get occasionally chest pain but not as bad, it does suck because one of the side effects is cold extremities my feet seem to always be cold, I even put two pairs of socks on last night you know the warm fuzzy ones:) Besides that I cut my hair yesterday I like it it’s cute little short but not too bad:) I also got an awesome christmas bonus woo hoo. I bought this awesome jacket for 10 dollars hows that for being all thrifty and stuff. Well that’s the good stuff the bad stuff is recently I have just been feeling overwhelmed and frustrated I feel like all the responsibility is on me to handle, I feel like my sense of humor and fun is completely gone. I would rather be alone and not around anyone then go somewhere or have fun. Sometime I find people who are happy annoying but that is rare. I can’t help but compare my life to others which is bad because everyone has choices they made theres and I made mine. I don’t have a bad life I just feel like there is just too much of it to handle but someone has to do it right? I really wish I could just drop everything and leave for a few days just to refresh myself, no responsibility no stress just do whatever I feel like doing. It’s just a dream though there is no way I could get away it just can’t happen.

Advertisements

Scars

Death is such a permanent thing. I see it so often working here one minute a person is here happy and smiling the next gone. very sad. But it got me thinking the only people who care when death happens are those who it affects, like loved ones. Not to be mean but a strangers death does not affect my life in any way. O f course I feel sorry for the family but then I move on. So I thought about if I was dead who would really care? I have a few people who would grieve some but I’m sure it would pass soon just like everything else. Life would go on and it would not matter if I was living or dead. We keep existing but for what? Does anyone seriously find their purpose in life? The meaning that we all seek from birth. As being a christian, my only hope is in God because this earth really has nothing to offer me.  I still have no idea what’s going on and what my purpose is I don’t seem to have any special talents or gifts what do I have to offer? I could try getting involved in church again which I know would be helpful, but no one seems to understand that I gave my full heart and soul into serving in the church.  All I wanted was to please God which I’m sure I did but in the mean time I got too emotionally attached to people and the ministry so when it all crumbled so did my desire,joy,happiness,servant hood, and heart. I have been pulled in every direction, I have been crushed by so many different kinds of relationships. I wish I could just erase my past even if it is what made me who I am. I don’t want to live in past failures and past thoughts I want to live in the present and think of the future. I have been praying for so long to be back on track it just seems so out of reach and almost impossible. Scare tissue is very thick….and my heart is covered in it.

New Meds

Ok so just like I posted yesterday I said I would not be stupid and if  I didn’t get better I would seek help. Well today I had bad chest pain and last night before I went to bed I had some, I decided that maybe I should be a little smarter so I told my dr and she gave me a different kind of medication to try same thing I have to take the med for 2 weeks then wear the monitor again, I would have just wore the thing tonight but I guess no reason too since I have not taken any medication for 5 days, the medication is basically out of my system. This is all very scary and frustrating, before my pulse was high but now It has stayed pretty normal I run between 60 and 80 so It is good but I still continue to get pains in the chest and not just once in a while but daily sometimes worse than others, I thought maybe it is all anxiety but I don’t have any symptoms of anxiety and I am a pretty laid back person, It takes a lot to really stress me out or get me angry. I just wish I knew what was going on with me I really am way too young for all this:( My mom does not help I finally told her and she just basically says it runs in the family….oh come on I could accept it if I was 50 not 28.

Waiting

My co workers are giving me a hard time about stopping my heart medication. I was suppose to repeat wearing the heart monitor too but I just don’t feel like it is necessary. I just had an irregular fast pulse a few times, I have been checking my pulse daily and it has been normal. As far as the chest pains it has become a normal thing for me. I just do a lot of praying I am hoping that I can get by without any medication or hospital visits. I am not stupid though if I feel nothing is getting better I will seek help again but right now I just want to wait and see if all this fuss is truly nessasary.ok on another note a 48 yr old woman put in her new pt paper work she is planning pregnancy……ahhh, I’m sorry but the oldest I even want to be for having a child would be 35 and that’s pushing it. I complain now for not getting any sleep can you imagine when I’m almost 50 and if I had a child? scary thought. I was suppose to go to bed early last night but instead ended up watching heroes for like 3 hours next thing you know it’s 12 that’s late for me, unlike my husband who seems to have no problem staying up super late, I can’t help it I love sleeping:)

Not The Red Suit

Ah man this day just keeps going. I just want to be off work already, I would say I just want to go home but I need to go to the store, I should go pay rent too but it can wait till tomorrow after all I have until the 3rd..lol which is tomorrow. My back hurts I was pushing a guy in his wheelchair and I think I twisted wrong or something, he was not light so probably me lifting his chair to turn him was a bad idea. Also today so many weird crazy people, I can only handle so many at once. I also can’t stop yawning I feel so tired, I should try to go to bed at a decent time tonight of course I always say that:)Well this morning was not bad we decorated the office for christmas yes christmas not happy holidays sorry if the word christmas offends you actually no I’m not sorry its christmas for a reason we are celebrating the birth of our savior not some fat guy in a red suit. well anyways I’m bored maybe ill write later:)

…..

Well I stopped taking my heart medication, I don’t really see a point I still have chest pains so why take the medication? To be fair it did help some but for one my insurance does not cover it and we are out of samples here so I’m just going to stop it for now. In other news I finally got my heart-shaped rock:) There’s quite a few things on my mind which is why I started this blog but I just don’t have the words to describe it. All I can say is I am tired and not sure what’s next……