moms issues

Here is a little window to my morning. My mom comes into my work to see the dr and decides she would non stop talk about dying. She talked of cutting herself, not wanting to live, not caring about if she gets an infection and dies, the list goes on. So I am about to cry, completely traumatized that she is talking like that. Now my mom in the past has been an attention seeker. It is very hard for me to decide if she really is depressed or crying wolf. My whole life she has feed off complaining about whats wrong with her and seeking attention and sympathy. I don’t want to come off as heartless but I just don’t know if it is all real or fake.  I can see that she has multiple reasons to be depressed but does she really have to tell her daughter that she wants to kill herself? And normally a person who does kill themself they don’t tell people they just do it. I don’t believe my mom would do it. She has said she purposely says these things to get a reaction from me. She is trying to hurt me. I have been bad in the past when I was a teenager and I have apologized. I am an adult I have been on my own 9 yrs, things change why does she want to hurt me? And more importantly how can I get her to stop and enjoy however many yrs she has left? She has not had an easy life, I understand that but it is never too late to change your way of thinking. I am hoping that I will not become like her as I get older. I would rather hold everything in and not seek attention than to be constantly looking for something to complain about. I have noticed that I have been starting to complain some and I just need to remember that it is not worth it and it is so annoying.

Almost 1,000

So I’m excited that on my deviant art page i have almost 1000 views. I have been trying to get back into photography so this is helping me be motivated to take pictures again. I have a headache so I’m going to stop writing now but yay:)

my weekend motivation

already march 2011. So I should be blogging or something. A lot has gone on but yet nothing has gone on. make any sense? No didn’t think so. Work has been a so so thing I have been very frustrated since im looked at as incompetent and put down. I am not perfect and yes I can admit my mistakes but some people are just so immature. On other news I havent felt like myself in awhile I’m not sure why. Hormonal? maybe I don’t know. This morning I realized the only way I can talk myself out of bed is reminding me that i only have a few more days until I have a day off so I can sleep in. How is it that the only thing I’m looking forward too all week is sleeping in? It makes no sense. Anyways I need to do something different but don’t know what. Also what the heck am I going to do with my parents? they are both depressed from getting old and not leaving the house, my dad does not want to go anywhere, and would rather be home. this is so not like my dad. I’m stressed and I feel like everything in this world is on my shoulders why do I feel alone?

dec 2010

hey world:) months later and here I am. I think it’s funny I used to write daily on MySpace blog for over a yr, and now a days I will be lucky if I write anything. so christmas is coming up and instead of seeing joy I see crazy people who only care about what kind of gifts they will get… I will never understand. I have been reading more I bring that up because I believe that is what im going to do when im done blogging, which is right………now:)


I’ve been sick for 4 days now. Yesterday I called off work. Today I’m coughing up a lung and can barely talk, know what my employer said oh still sick? He gave me some clarinex to take…… um i am sick allergies are not my problem this time. So I guess I will continue to cough on people. Since clarinex is my cure…:(


once again I noticed it has been months since I have written anything. so here it goes I still work at the same place and things are about the same. I am trying to get my life right with God again I have fallen away from him and I miss him. I notice that I always have something to write about but I never actually get around to typing lame huh? lol anyways I am going to go do some laundry:) have a great night my blog.


So after having a px done well actually during I was told well that’s not normal, dr felt a hard mass where there shouldnt be one, anyways that was last friday at first she had told me not to worry maybe it was just my tailbone or something but then today she came up to me and said on second thought I want you to have an ultra sound done im not sure what you have. so that’s next on the agenda didnt i just got over the whole heart thing? oh and since im rambling on about my health my vision  sucks I need to get an exam but don’t have the money.  oh well that’s my life as of lately.

wanting in

so about a month ago an uncle contacted me who by the way has not spoken to neither my parents or I since I was like 3. now he finds me on my space and thinks everything is fine and wants us to meet up with him in august. now whole story is they are mormon we are christian and supposedly he disowned us with most of the family for not being mormon. I don’t really know what truly happened but I do know there has not been any kind of contact. im torn do I go meet up with him and family ive never known? do I really need them in my life?I’m trying to be adult about this I mean maybe he’s dying or something, maybe he wants to get his life straight and say sorry? I don’t know but I really am confused. anyways still a few months left to decide what I want to do…….